Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Shopaholics Anonymous
6:35 PM | Posted by
Tara B. |
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There are so many things on my wishlist right now (for those of you who haven't noticed, there's now a Wishlist tab on the top menu bar, and I update it almost daily.) Realistically, my budget simply can not keep up with my ever-growing wants, and I refuse to even try. I will not veer from my self-imposed monthly limit.
I am fortunate enough to not have had to start my life out with debt hanging over my head. I have no student loans to repay, no car payments. And no credit cards. I have a debit card linked to a checking account, into which a fixed amount of money goes in every month, and that is the money I allow myself to spend on, what I must admit, are non-essentials. I won't go into numbers and figures, but I'll tell you something I do know from first-hand experience. Even when I was "constrained" by a monthly budget three times what it is right now, there were just as many things on my wishlist I couldn't afford.
H&M Dress
J.Crew Vintage Zebra-Stripe Cardigan (similar here)
J.Crew Metallic Thompson Tote (similar here)
Forever21 Necklace (similar here)
Express Ribbed Tights
Express Ribbed Tights
Let me take this opportunity to share something about myself with you that I've never really talked about before- not even to the therapist my parents well-meaningly sent me to because of it. I've had my share of problems - eating disorders, depression, and yes, shopaholism - brought on, I think, by the scars left behind from growing pains.
It all came to a head in the summer of 2006. I was in college, taking classes over the summer. Somewhere inbetween taking on a 27 credit workload and managing an increasingly difficult relationship, I charged over $6000 to my father's credit card over the course of two months. Without his knowledge or consent. When this came to light, there were, as you can imagine, certain consequences. There were grave financial consequences for my family, of course, but those didn't last as long as the consequences to my relationship with my parents. Their trust had been utterly and irrevocably shattered. To this day, I haven't lived it down. They don't bring it up to shame me, or at all anymore, for that matter. But for years afterwards, whenever there was an unexplained charge on their credit card or a penny out of place, I would feel my stomach drop, like I knew they suspected it might be me.
My mother once asked me why I did it. What did I think was going to happen? At the time I felt cornered by these questions, but when I thought about it later, I realized I really hadn't given much thought to the consequences of my reckless spending. As a matter of fact, I'd convinced myself my parents would probably never find out. A couple of hundred here, another couple there, no one would ever miss it. Of course, that was just me lying to myself. Six grand isn't pocket change to most people. As for why I did it, well, I can tell you, in hindsight, that it had absolutely nothing to do with my closet needs.
Oniomania, or shopaholism, as you and I know it, is not something you nudge-nudge-wink-wink about on fashion forums. It is a serious disorder, and can be as debilitating to the persons and the families it affects, at least in its financial backlash and emotional toll, as some other "real" addictions. If you find yourself, or someone you care about, incurring debt, habitually buying things you don't use, or having to hide purchases from friends and family, please recognize that these might be signs of a real problem.
Reach out to your best friend, or your significant other, or a trusted coworker. See a counselor if you think you need to. Chances are, all these people won't think you the weak, irresponsible, monster you think they will. Chances are, they will give you support, advice, and encouragement that might make you confront the real issues that propel you to buy excessively. Self-soothing, void-filling, overcompensating- I'm not a clinician, but my own experiences lead me to believe that shopaholism is very seldom just about pure greed.
So do something. Shop your closet for things that haven't seen much wear lately. Find a new and challenging hobby. Ebay things you don't wear, to pay off your credit card bills. Trade clothes with your sister or BFF. Set some limits for yourself, and stick to them. You might feel an empowering sense of accomplishment for sticking to it. I know I do. If you're embarrassed about your buying habits but can't seem to stop, the first thing to do about it is- something. Anything. If you're in the midst of a crisis right now, things can seem bleak. But there are baby steps that can and will get you to where you want to be in the future. Somewhere you don't have to feel guilt, shame or anxiety . A ray of hope in the cold, dark night.
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57 comments:
My Mom was watching Suze Orman and she suggested that you put a $100 bill in your wallet and anytime you want something you can think to yourself, I could buy this but I'm not going to. I don't carry around the $100 bill but I have taken that idea with just my debit card and it works. I feel more powerful and in control of myself and my life.
Great blog!
Thanks!
I'm in the middle of a divorce, and also in over $20k of credit card debt. I know style blogs are not about temptation, but I also know I have certain triggers. As of Jan 1, 2011, I no longer visit any style blogs except this one, Adiaphane and Galadarling, and that too, only because the content is not completely clothing related. Thanks for this post, and for your honesty about your own past demons.
We do have massive student loans (not from undergrad my hubby and I both graduated from college debt free) but from post grad, and residency. There is no way around that debt and my family is not the type to pay for my hubby becoming a dentist. That being said we are careful about out budget and I only put on my cc what I can pay off. Lately I have been thinking about cutting my budget down on myself and paying more off on our student loans. This post really made me think about how important being in control of your spending is. I LOVE new things but mostly don't 'need' them. I am trying to be more selective on purchases and only buy things I will look back on and think "I am so glad I got that!" Thanks for the great post!
I personally have been thinking about going to see a therapist for my shopping habits. I love new and pretty things but I know it goes deeper than that. I've lost both of my parents to cancer and I am only 28 years old with an autistic brother to take care of. At times I feel like I'm being selfish by continuously buying and buying but I love the feeling or the "high" that I get from it. Lately though I have really come to the realization that there are so many more important things in life than just having "pretty things" Thanks for this post!!!
Not to step on any toes- I love all the fashion blogs I read every single day- but no one else seems to want to talk about this skeleton in the closet. Sharing your story ($6000! My parents would have literally killed me) was extremely bold of you. Another reason I keep coming back to your blog over and over.
I had a similar problem with shopaholism, which led me into very, very serious credit card debt in my early 20s, and now, even though I'm older and more responsible with my money, I'm still recuperating from that, and still paying off my debts. You're very mature for a 20 year old.
I haven't allowed myself to buy anything this month, and it's been great. It hurt a little at first, but now I think I can carry it into next month and beyond.
Great post, as usual, and fantastic pics. I'm amazed that you can take such great pics at night time. I cringe when I see women commenting on fashion blogs about how they hide their new purchases from their husbands or pretend they're not new. Not because I don't think we all deserve nice new things, but because if you have to hide stuff like that on a regular basis, it's probably a symptom of something serious. Nothing to joke about.
Anon @ 7.31: I'm 26!! Haha thanks though!
I am absolutely prone to being a "shopaholic" but I have to watch my budget each month ... I will admit that sometimes I do overdo it though! Unfortunately buying pretty clothing can give me an "up" that goes along with my bipolar disorder sometimes, and yes, in college, I often had a negative in my bank account! I talked with my counselor about this after a few months of parental fighting, and I'm glad that I've found a happy medium with my spending (I'm now living on my own, so it's a good thing that I've identified the issue ... not to say that I don't still struggle with it). I covet many items ... but most of them don't find a way into my closet (only the most loved do).
Thank you for the post, Tara. I often wonder about everyone's budgeting/economical situations in regards to style blogs (and I have my own too! I'm not excluding myself here - I should really tell all!), and it takes a girl with real guts to tell it like it is! I applaud you and your honesty!
~ Mandy
Bravo for sharing your story. Very brave. Another reason I enjoy your blog along with the lovely picture!
Thanks for posting this! It's definitely not about the clothes. For me, it's about being depressed about my job, about problems with my family, and about feeling inadequate in general. There's the feeling that if I just buy this one thing I'll feel better and I won't have to buy anything again. Of course, the high never lasts. I struggle with this every day, but I feel like I'm getting more aware every day too.
Tara,
I want to commend you for being so open and honest about your shopping habits, and other ups and downs you've faced.
While I graduated college a few years ago debt free and am making my way up the $ ladder at work I sometimes find myself spending way too much on clothes and buying items with a false sense of entitlement. I was perfectly content in college where it was a treat to be able to buy something from jcrew/ BR on sale. I've recently realized I don't need to spend money and buy more clothes just b/c I can and for no good reason. Two of the past three years I gave up buying clothes for Lent, yet this year as a way to clean my mind from all the clutter I've decided to give up shopping for Q1. I actually am at peace with myself and not always in a rush to go to anthropologie, j.crew, forever21, macys or where ever and see what I want to buy.
Even though I'm not buy clothes, shoes, accessories etc, I still love reading your blog as to me it's about your life story, the beautiful outfits you put together (and fab photos!)
Thank you so much for being so open and sharing this part of your life with us. I know it can be so hard to get this real on a blog. There are so many young women (and men) struggling with this same issue. I started a group a few weeks ago where 20 or so (and counting) people openly share their lives and inspire each other to fight the urge to shop for unnecessary things. It's tough when the "shop, shop, buy, buy" mindset is all around us in the media, and this group offers each other support and accountability when it comes to shopping wisely, sticking to budgets, saving money and working towards bigger financial goals (like paying off student loans, saving for a house, etc). I wrote a blog post about the group and why I started it if you are interested in checking it out.
http://thebelovedwife.blogspot.com/2011/01/dream-big-save-bigger.html
The group is called "Dream Big, Save Bigger," and we are always glad to have new members join the group. :)
And this is why we all need to participate in Kendi's 30 for 30. ：D
http://kendieveryday.blogspot.com/p/30-for-30-remixes.html
Thank you so much Tara. As a US born Pakistani American working mother of three including just starting grad school, I have become addicted to Anthropologie. I look forward to Tuesday mornings when I can click away on Anthro's sale. It has gotten out of hand lately and I have been making excuses to my family and myself...oh just this purchase,I really need to have it. I wonder if its the early 30s mid life crisis or I need to really start focusing my energy on other creative outlets. I really want to say thank you for opening my eyes and sharing your story. Please keep up the great work! Shukria!
Once again, a brave story. I'm sure that your parents trust will come back. It may take some time, but you've led a good life and they will see your strength and that will support them.
Hi Tara, This is such a good post. It is really weird how we convince ourselves when we are really young that our parents won't find out. I did the same thing to my dad.He wasn't as forgiving for a while. I have to admit I was really ashamed of myself for putting him through that. I have to admit that I am one of the many that see something and want it. I have though been trying really hard to just pick out 2 things. That's all I am allowing myself to buy.So let's just say it's going to be hard. I am trying to also wait till the sales hit.The problem is that my Anthropologie store doesn't get certain items and I have to wait for the online sale and usually that's when I miss out.They sell out super fast! But one has to admit to oneself that we can't have everything we see at the expense of our loved ones if it brings misery and guilt into the picture.
I love this insight: "Even when I was "constrained" by a monthly budget three times what it is right now, there were just as many things on my wishlist I couldn't afford." I think this is true for a lot of things in our life, too. I particularly noticed this with my weight; during a more insecure time in my life, even when I was at my goal weight and incredibly fit, I still had many of the same body issues. Acquiring something we want, be it clothes, weight, a relationship, a job, whatever --- the acquisition is not what is going to make us feel better about ourselves. That takes a whole different kind of work.
I gained quite a bit of weight this past year and during the past 4 months, I've purchased things I love in my old size and not my new size, crazily thinking that it would somehow inspire me to get back to my normal weight. The really terrible part is that when you buy something and can wear it immediately, at least for me, it curbs the hunger for a new item. But since these items didn't fit, it felt like I hadn't purchased anything at all so I would go on the internet and look at my wishlist and eagerly wait to purchase something else that wouldn't fit.
Anyways, my mother decided to help me out one day and clean my room for me and noticed all of the old clothes still sitting in their bags, and had "the talk" w/ me. I burst into tears as I described how purchasing things in my new size felt like resignation and it felt like I was subscribing to the unhealthy junkfood lifestyle I've been living for the past year. I thought I was trying to motivate myself by buying clothes in my old size, but all I was doing was making myself feel more guilty that I wasn't who I wanted to be. I returned everything (luckily most of it was anthro so the fact that some of it was 4 months old wasn't a huge issue, but it was embarassing nonetheless to have to return $1000 worth of clothing at once).
A second issue I have is that I truly regret going to law school. I have a good scholarship, but I'm still accumulating quite a bit of debt that I wouldn't have if I had just tried to get a job out of undergrad. It's a hard thing to talk about w/ other people b/c I go to a really good school and have a great scholarship, so when I say I'm unhappy, no one really takes my claims seriously. I'm so upset w/ myself for having made the wrong decision for my life that I often find myself perusing websites b/c it takes my mind off of hating where my life is at right now.
Love this. So honest and personal. :) I can definitely understand how easy it is to distract yourself with things like shopping and internet browsing. And it's really only a moment's high - in the end you're back to square one with the original problem in weighing you down even more than before.
Question: is the H&M dress you're wearing still available? I thought you had the blush and grey colours...but this looks purple to me... ?
This was such a great post. Fashion blogs never address this issue, everyone talks as if they have an unlimited bank account. It is confusing to see at times. I am glad you made this post.
Amazing post! I love your openness and honesty. I love that most fashion bloggers are exemplifying how to be creative with the clothing you already have and becoming more minimalistic.
Brilliant post. Thank you for touching on this subject. :)
I am really loving your blog and how you bring light to subjects like this! I guess 10 years after ringing up debt - when I was a irresponsible 18 year old and didn't fully understand credit cards - i had forgotten all about the debt I accrued! I started charging and loved that I could buy, buy, buy and only pay $15 - the minimum. But after a few months the interest started to build and I was in over my feet. At About $1200 {mostly from over drafts and late payments} I freaked out and realized credit cards weren't for me. I still don't use them, even though I see people who use them responsibly AND get rewards for them. I just found using what I have and knowing that works best for me.
Once again a great post that makes you think, reflect and is filled with honesty! You need to be a social media Professor!
Amber's Notebook
I think you are courageous for opening up to us about your past issues Tara. I can't say I have done as much damage as you had, but when I was in my early twenties, there was a brief stage where i lived from paycheck to paycheck, as I was spending most of it on higher-end clothing. I used to hide purchases from my mom, as she would always have a go at me for spending my paychecks! Now that I am married, i have toned down my ways and am only spending within my means, and what my disposable income (minus life's essentials) can allow. Moderation is the key here.
Thanks for sharing with us!
Tara this is an excellent subject to bring to light and I'm really impressed how you learnt from your past mistake to stick to your budget now. You must take such good care of all your garments as they look wonderful on the blog whether they are indeed new or not.
Personally I've never had any debt other than my student loan which comes out of my wages every month so I don't even notice it. I have credit cards that I pay off in full each month (if there's anything on them) and I save money every month as well, not for anything in particular, just a "rainy day".
Unless I literally cannot stop thinking about an item of clothing (sugar & cream dress springs to mind) I spend a bit of time thinking about how I could work it into my current wardrobe and if I already have something similar. My husband works in golf clothing retail so he always spots new things so there's no point trying to lie to him if something is new! That helps to keep me honest and keeps things in perspective.
I found myself in debt after college. I had to pay for everything out of my own pocket and didn't really understand how much damage I was doing to my future until my future became my present and it was impossible to survive in the hamster wheel of payments. Despite working 3 jobs and taking a full credit loan I still had to put things on a credit card and like a dummy one of those things included spring break in Jamaica. I ended up selling my car ( i moved to NYC so it all worked out ok) and using the $$ to pay off my credit card. It was such a heavy burden having that debt but it taught me a very important life lesson- NOTHING is worth cc debt!
thanks for sharing your story and I love the point about regardless of the budget, the wants will always be there. I recently cut my clothing budget by about a third so I can take some extra trips this year and while I still want things, my desire to travel is so much stronger. I ask myself before every purchase if I would rather wear this shirt/top/shoes or pay for a visa, get a souvenir, eat an authentic ethnic meal. Which by the way, I am considering a 2 week trip to India this summer.. if it all works out I may be sending an email your way :)
Great post Tara, and what a brave step to open up about your past battles with debt! It's been fantastic to see all the dialogue and discussions open up about this on various blogs this month- it's definitely a subject that needs more addressing in the blogosphere, mmhm.
I definitley have been trying to curb my spending as well...shopping your closet can be fun!
After reading this post I re-examined some if my own recent behavior and realize that I need to return some items that were simply bought on a whim to fulfill immediate desire. Thanks for being that voice of a reason, snapping me back to reality!
Thank you so much for this post. Like so many others have said, the overspending and debt part of fashion is never really addressed on these blogs. I have found myself in financial trouble several times over things that I just HAD to have at the time--not realizing how quickly those purchases add up. I really think that there have been many instances when I have shopped to make myself feel better about something--or just because it always feels good to have a box waiting when you get home--like Christmas in July! I have slowly come to the realization that my money needs to be spent on things that are important (bills, student loans, etc.) and not on unneeded (but definitely cute) clothing. Once again great post!
I appreciate this post, I truly do. I've gotten sucked into the blogging business, which sometime also entails getting sucked into shopping more. Which is sadly my case. My MIL had a very serious problem and she had to file for bankruptcy and alienated her loved ones, and you're as so right, it is not just about greed. it is so much more than that.
But reading this has given me a kick in my shin to reel it in with the shopping. A good reality check. My closet is bursting w. clothes and really do I need any more?
This post is so on-time! I shared in your "secrets" post about a week ago about my constant spending. I definitely display traits of a shopaholic...from hiding purchases, to constant returns, to post purchase guilt, to shame, etc. I really appreciate your honesty and the honesty of everyone who has commented. I plan to set a spending amount and seriosly stick to it.
I spent so much that my first husband divorced me. I got counseling and I did very well for years but I now see the addiction rearing its ugly head again and I would hate to have it ruin another marriage. I have really got to get a hand on things and now is the start.
Thanks so much Tara!
Great post Tara, and I commend you for opening up and being so personal.
As a fellow blogger, I just wanted to address one point I'm noticing in the comments. I choose not to get that personal on my blog as a personal choice. I've sadly had some stalkers on my blog and therefore, I prefer to keep private matters, private on my blog. Sadly, when I've gotten too personal on my blog in the past, it's been used against me :( I think there's a fine line. Anyhow, I just wanted to state that. I'm not purposely ignoring the topic on my blog, it's just too personal for me :) I'm glad you're able to open up.
When I was in college I got my very first credit card and used it like it was free money. Then when I moved to the City after I graduated, I was spending way more than I was earning. Eventually I had to enter into a debt managment program to pay off my credit card bills on top of my student loans. It took me 4 years to pay off my credit card bills and I haven't paid off my student loans yet. It's a hard thing to recover from. Thanks for sharing your story.
I think it is great that you shared this with everyone. I am a shopaholic and I am currently seeking counselling for it. You are right it is a very socially accepted addition yet my cousellor says it can be as destructive and hard to recover from as any drug or alcohol addiction.
My counsellor also showed me how I was actually punishing myself by shopping!!! Hard to believe I know, but she showed me how the cycle of guilt (from leaving my first marriage) and disappointment actually lead me to shop. You see I felt I deserved to feel bad continually because I ended the marriage, so I would shop which gave me an inital high but then the guilt would come and it was my way of making sure I always carried a huge load of guilt. I dropped that guilt that day and I haven't picked it up since and while I still do buy the odd item I am now able to enjoy my purchases when I do make them and when I overdo it and the guilt comes I just tell myself, okay, I screwed up don't feel guilty but remember how spending more than your budget made you feel.
Sorry this is a really long comment but it is so relevant to my life right now and thank you for addressing it.
Ah Tara! My favorite post! In the last year or so I started shopping more than I should (mainly at Anthro). I have some unworn skirts, still in the online plastic bags, and I am not reaching out for them. Just yesterday, I made a list of things I want to return at the store and curb my spending, and planned to get just 1 Anthro item a month. And I see this post this morning telling me something.
Thank you!
"How to make sure you will never buy anything you will never wear"
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1350821/How-make-sure-youll-NEVER-buy-wont-wear.html
Hi Tara, I'm a new follower of your blog and I just want to say thank you for a great post. I have been taken with your beautiful photos but the honesty and openness with which you write is even better. I've always loved to shop but have been able to keep myself in fairly good check, though the temptation can be overwhelming sometimes, especially when all it takes is "add to cart" and "checkout." Still, there are many things I've bought in the past that were just impulses and certainly not things I needed. As a new mom of a ten-month old, I've come to realize that things, while beautiful, have their place but that there truly is no substitute for peace of mind and taking care of yourself and the people you love. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your story! I totally agree about the wish list growing and growing. We can't afford everything we want and the sooner we realize these things are wants and not needs the better. Thank you for sharing!!
Sarah at Classroom Chic
Hi Tara,
I've been reading your blog and others for a long time - I got heavily (and easily, as everyone is so talented and so creative) interested in the anthro blogging community last year, and while it's so delightful (again, so talented and so creative a community!) it definitely accelerated my spending and my coveting - which were already issues! - but to the point that I had to take action of some sort and acknowledge that I was shopping beyond my means or need. So I'm spending this year not buying clothes at all - and blogging about that experience. :-)
I've been 'shopping my closet' for two weeks now - and am finding I can return to everyone's blogs (hurrah!) with a free heart, because while I'm still walking through and breaking down my need to overshop, I can now enjoy everyone else's gorgeous outfits as inspiration for my own closet - and try to appreciate beautiful things on other people that I can think are lovely on them without having to keep them for myself.
Finally, I really, really appreciate how you and your blog have been growing and expressing beyond even your lush photography and your chic sense of style - your writing is so engaging and your honesty very brave, and I'm really looking forward to reading more in the future.
Thanks so much for the beautiful work you've done,
Danielle
Thank you, Tara. I really appreciate this and it was well-written and honest, and I've been waiting, waiting, waiting for a fashion blogger to address something related to budget, though this was much more meaningful than I could have asked for.
Hi Tara,
Thanks for posting about this very personal and very real part of you. I think you've shone a light on something that is probably high;y prevalent among fashion bloggers and blogger readers. I've always considered myslef a "shopaholic" in jest, but I think I can honestly and gratefully agree that I am not, based on the signs you've mentioned. Though, to be honest and fair, don't all of our fashion bloggers have the pre-disposition to become one?
As always, a beautiful post! And this one is truly, inside and out!
xx Vivian @ http://diamondsandtulle.blogspot.com
Very brave of you to share your story Tara! I keep my own shopping in check by ridiculously over analyzing every purchase lol
These photos are beautiful. How in the world did you get such lovely colors in the dark??
That is very inspiring that you are conscious your spending and debts. My husband and I have made it a priority to be debt free this year and are almost there already. We have experienced the pains of debt and don't want to go there again. Debt free is the way to live!
@Kim - While discussing shopaholic tendencies may be too personal for you, I don't think discussing clothing purchases relative to budget should be. We all love your posts, but so many fashion bloggers don't even refer to budgets or purchase prices. It can lead readers to believe that money isn't an issue for these lovely purchases, when money is a big issue. It's very hard seeing so many fashion bloggers purchasing new items and it's hard not wondering why you can't afford the same. I just wish bloggers would come out and say - 'I bought it, it's in my budget, create a budget for yourself and use it to buy things you love.'
That is very inspiring that you are conscious your spending and debts. My husband and I have made it a priority to be debt free this year and are almost there already. We have experienced the pains of debt and don't want to go there again. Debt free is the way to live!
@Kim - While discussing shopaholic tendencies may be too personal for you, I don't think discussing clothing purchases relative to budget should be. We all love your posts, but so many fashion bloggers don't even refer to budgets or purchase prices. It can lead readers to believe that money isn't an issue for these lovely purchases, when money is a big issue. It's very hard seeing so many fashion bloggers purchasing new items and it's hard not wondering why you can't afford the same. I just wish bloggers would come out and say - 'I bought it, it's in my budget, create a budget for yourself and use it to buy things you love.'
Thank you, Tara. I really appreciate this and it was well-written and honest, and I've been waiting, waiting, waiting for a fashion blogger to address something related to budget, though this was much more meaningful than I could have asked for.
I definitley have been trying to curb my spending as well...shopping your closet can be fun!
I think you are courageous for opening up to us about your past issues Tara. I can't say I have done as much damage as you had, but when I was in my early twenties, there was a brief stage where i lived from paycheck to paycheck, as I was spending most of it on higher-end clothing. I used to hide purchases from my mom, as she would always have a go at me for spending my paychecks! Now that I am married, i have toned down my ways and am only spending within my means, and what my disposable income (minus life's essentials) can allow. Moderation is the key here.
Thanks for sharing with us!
Thank you for sharing your story! I totally agree about the wish list growing and growing. We can't afford everything we want and the sooner we realize these things are wants and not needs the better. Thank you for sharing!!
Sarah at Classroom Chic
I gained quite a bit of weight this past year and during the past 4 months, I've purchased things I love in my old size and not my new size, crazily thinking that it would somehow inspire me to get back to my normal weight. The really terrible part is that when you buy something and can wear it immediately, at least for me, it curbs the hunger for a new item. But since these items didn't fit, it felt like I hadn't purchased anything at all so I would go on the internet and look at my wishlist and eagerly wait to purchase something else that wouldn't fit.
Anyways, my mother decided to help me out one day and clean my room for me and noticed all of the old clothes still sitting in their bags, and had "the talk" w/ me. I burst into tears as I described how purchasing things in my new size felt like resignation and it felt like I was subscribing to the unhealthy junkfood lifestyle I've been living for the past year. I thought I was trying to motivate myself by buying clothes in my old size, but all I was doing was making myself feel more guilty that I wasn't who I wanted to be. I returned everything (luckily most of it was anthro so the fact that some of it was 4 months old wasn't a huge issue, but it was embarassing nonetheless to have to return $1000 worth of clothing at once).
A second issue I have is that I truly regret going to law school. I have a good scholarship, but I'm still accumulating quite a bit of debt that I wouldn't have if I had just tried to get a job out of undergrad. It's a hard thing to talk about w/ other people b/c I go to a really good school and have a great scholarship, so when I say I'm unhappy, no one really takes my claims seriously. I'm so upset w/ myself for having made the wrong decision for my life that I often find myself perusing websites b/c it takes my mind off of hating where my life is at right now.
Hi Tara, This is such a good post. It is really weird how we convince ourselves when we are really young that our parents won't find out. I did the same thing to my dad.He wasn't as forgiving for a while. I have to admit I was really ashamed of myself for putting him through that. I have to admit that I am one of the many that see something and want it. I have though been trying really hard to just pick out 2 things. That's all I am allowing myself to buy.So let's just say it's going to be hard. I am trying to also wait till the sales hit.The problem is that my Anthropologie store doesn't get certain items and I have to wait for the online sale and usually that's when I miss out.They sell out super fast! But one has to admit to oneself that we can't have everything we see at the expense of our loved ones if it brings misery and guilt into the picture.
Thank you so much for being so open and sharing this part of your life with us. I know it can be so hard to get this real on a blog. There are so many young women (and men) struggling with this same issue. I started a group a few weeks ago where 20 or so (and counting) people openly share their lives and inspire each other to fight the urge to shop for unnecessary things. It's tough when the "shop, shop, buy, buy" mindset is all around us in the media, and this group offers each other support and accountability when it comes to shopping wisely, sticking to budgets, saving money and working towards bigger financial goals (like paying off student loans, saving for a house, etc). I wrote a blog post about the group and why I started it if you are interested in checking it out.
http://thebelovedwife.blogspot.com/2011/01/dream-big-save-bigger.html
The group is called "Dream Big, Save Bigger," and we are always glad to have new members join the group. :)
I am absolutely prone to being a "shopaholic" but I have to watch my budget each month ... I will admit that sometimes I do overdo it though! Unfortunately buying pretty clothing can give me an "up" that goes along with my bipolar disorder sometimes, and yes, in college, I often had a negative in my bank account! I talked with my counselor about this after a few months of parental fighting, and I'm glad that I've found a happy medium with my spending (I'm now living on my own, so it's a good thing that I've identified the issue ... not to say that I don't still struggle with it). I covet many items ... but most of them don't find a way into my closet (only the most loved do).
Thank you for the post, Tara. I often wonder about everyone's budgeting/economical situations in regards to style blogs (and I have my own too! I'm not excluding myself here - I should really tell all!), and it takes a girl with real guts to tell it like it is! I applaud you and your honesty!
~ Mandy
I personally have been thinking about going to see a therapist for my shopping habits. I love new and pretty things but I know it goes deeper than that. I've lost both of my parents to cancer and I am only 28 years old with an autistic brother to take care of. At times I feel like I'm being selfish by continuously buying and buying but I love the feeling or the "high" that I get from it. Lately though I have really come to the realization that there are so many more important things in life than just having "pretty things" Thanks for this post!!!
We do have massive student loans (not from undergrad my hubby and I both graduated from college debt free) but from post grad, and residency. There is no way around that debt and my family is not the type to pay for my hubby becoming a dentist. That being said we are careful about out budget and I only put on my cc what I can pay off. Lately I have been thinking about cutting my budget down on myself and paying more off on our student loans. This post really made me think about how important being in control of your spending is. I LOVE new things but mostly don't 'need' them. I am trying to be more selective on purchases and only buy things I will look back on and think "I am so glad I got that!" Thanks for the great post!
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